how to heal

by - 7/07/2015 08:56:00 pm


This post is a bit of an advice post. A lot of bloggers do these types of things incredibly well, but I suck, so I'll strike you a deal: I'll tell you my experiences in the hope that you will get some lesson out of them.

I'll start of by admitting that I grew up believing that I could always rely on other people. This was something I learned, because it certainly wasn't in my nature to be dependent. You know how in books and movies, mentally ill characters get 'saved' by someone else (usually a romantic interest), which somehow leads to a miraculous recovery? So then, it was partly due to culture, and partly my pride and stubbornness.

I'd feel sorry for myself, and I'd hold onto the hope that someone would always be there, looking after me and saying kind words. If they didn't (which was understandable, because pity only goes so far), then I'd hate them and hate myself, and fall into a continuous spiral of hate and loneliness, which only led to more unsuccessful self-pity rituals.

How do you out of the spiral? How do you (say we quote Looking for Alaska) get out of this labyrinth of suffering?

You guys are probably wiser than me. Maybe you already figured out how to leave the labyrinth, or maybe you're like me: stuck, but at least with a compass telling you which way to go.

SELF-PITY
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” 
―Mahatma Gandhi

The first step for me was to realise that there was no one in the world that was going to be there to pick me off the ground all the time. After the worst days, I told myself to get up, to replace the tears with a smile and learn to move on. I'm not a good Agony Aunt, but I would say the best thing, at any moment where you feel like wallowing in self-pity, is to grit your teeth, move on, and learn to forgive. You are the hero of your own story.


SELF-ESTEEM
“There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.” 
―Maya Angelou

Next came love. Not romance, or loving other people (which is also very important), but loving yourself. That means you give yourself a little credit, show yourself a little respect. I found the Maya Angelou quote a few years ago and to this day I can't quite work out if it's true...that, to love someone else, you have to love yourself first. But one thing I do know is that the way you treat yourself paves the path for how others treat you. So maybe you're not perfect. But you have value. You're worth something. You don't need your homie blogger (me) to tell you this.

SELF-DENIAL
"The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others."
―Fyodor Dostoyevsky

We lie to ourselves all the time. You have to be able to distinguish your lies from the truth. To get out of the spiral I mentioned earlier, I had to acknowledge that I was the one at fault, not others. If you want to leave the spiral, you have to realise there is a spiral. Whoa. So deep. Sometimes I slip and practise self-denial, and so will you. But hey, I'm naturally stubborn, you're possibly not. Which means if I can do it, so can you.

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30 comments

  1. This is such a fresh twist from the normal advice posts! :) I love how you used different sections and different quotes. The last part is the most difficult to do. Normally, we don't want to admit that we are to blame, and yeah. I'm really stubborn, so for me it is extra difficult. But I manage.

    x Yasmine//Cloudy

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    1. Thank you so much! I'm glad you liked it. :) Yeah, I agree, since we lie to ourselves about 40 times a day. Naturally we avoid blaming ourselves, plus added stubborness makes it all the more difficult. I'm happy you can relate so closely to my own feelings!

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  2. I loved this! :) I took your poll, too.
    ~ Sanjana
    peridotcove.blogspot.com

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    1. Thank you! That's awesome, thanks a lot. :)

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  3. This was amazing advice! Definitely not sucky ^^ (wow is that the best compliment I could give "not sucky" wow) Also I wish I could vote about fifty times for that letter to racists post, although I'd probably also write my own choice-worded letter in the comment section :P

    O | Life as a Young Lady

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    1. Thanks! It's still a good compliment. Not sucky. :') Hey...you should do your own letter to racists post! And I'll do something else and provide a link to your post. That way the blogging world can see both racism AND sexism/homophobia/Islamophobia. Or you could do it in the comments. :)

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  4. This was great- so refreshing and well-thought out. So much truth in here. Your blog posts are always so interesting ^-^

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    1. That means a lot to me, Olivia, thank you. :)

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  5. You are a breath of fresh air today, dear jo. Beautiful words, and great advice <3
    ps: you don't suck (; xx

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    1. Thank you, elisabeth. :) I'm so happy you liked the post!
      Good to know. ;)

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  6. All this points are so accurate! I love the last one especially. You can only heal and move on if you want to but if a person doesn't then unfortunately you can't really help them.

    -Kathie K
    A Sea Change

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    1. Thanks! Yeah, if a person can't see the problem, then they can't solve the problem. Thanks for commenting. :)

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  7. Great post!

    I'm naturally very hard on myself. So one minute I will be drowning in self pity and the next I'll be mocking myself for being such a baby and will tell myself to just get over it. Usually I'm too hard on myself and I'll drag me around until I can't go anymore and I keep going after that.

    So it seems the whole loving yourself is something I might need to focus on? Give myself some credit and respect. Although sometimes I get caught in an up-and-down roller coaster of self-pity to self-loathing and then back again. Now that one is hard to get out of, also very exhausting. . . Usually I just have to take a complete time out when I realize what I'm doing.

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    1. Thanks!

      That's basically me as well. Improving the way you treat yourself is key. I know what you mean about the roller-coaster, though. It is hard to get out of, and I still haven't left it completely myself, so I can't be of much help to you. But self-help is the best help, so the time outs seem like a good option. :)

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  8. "To leave the spiral you've got to realise that there is a spiral" Woah so deep and woah I like it. I think learning to self-love and not rely on other people is one of the most important lessons to practice, because in the end everyone else is just as self-focused, and all these self-focused people don't have time or care enough to focus on each other. We all want recognition and help when we need it, but the trick is to not need it because you're strong enough not to be disappointed when people don't pull through the way you imagined they would.

    -M
    The Life of Little Me

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    1. Me trying to sound deep. :') Glad you liked it though. And yeah, absolutely. We all need help and support time to time, but to expect other people to always be there for you, as I once did, is folly. Self-focus is the first thing on our minds, as is self-preservation. Self-love will win the love of others. Great summary, M. :)

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  9. This was amazing Jo! Your advice is so not "sucky". I loved the first one, you can't expect someone to always be there to pick you back up and help you. (Wow, all of these comments are so deep compared to mine XD)

    ~Noor

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    1. Thank you! And I've heard. :') I'm glad you agree! You don't have to be deep to make an insightful comment. Thanks for commenting. :)

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  10. Brilliant post, Jo :) The labyrinth of suffering, to use the phrase, is very real and hard to get out of :) Small steps are the way to go though, especially by learning to love yourself.

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    1. Thanks, Opal! Absolutely, small steps. Loving yourself doesn't come overnight. Thanks for commenting. :)

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  11. I AM IN LOVE WITH YOUR BLOG: Your blog is amazing. Your style of writing is beatiful. can you pleeeaaase tell me how you made your blog so beautiful? *-* And also, everything you said was soo true

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    1. Ahh how are you so kind? :'( Thank you so much! To make your blog beautiful, feed it lots of food and give it eight glasses of water a day...kidding. I'm glad you liked the post. :)

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  12. I love this. So much.
    The quotes are amazing. I want to try not to be so hard on myself!
    your advice was amazing!
    ~Emily

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    1. Thank you, Emily. :)
      They said in a sentence what I might say in three paragraphs. Spot-on quotes, aren't they?
      I agree with you, being hard on yourself does you more harm than good! This is something I need to work on, too. I'm glad you were able to draw advice from this post!

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  13. amazing, jo...simply amazing.
    those quotes are on point too ^_^
    there's not always going to be someone to pick us up, and so it's then we have to, like you said, grit our teeth and rise up to the occasion <3

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    1. Thanks, Autumn! :)
      The quotes are totally on point. ;)
      Yeah, absolutely. I'm happy you can agree on one of my core beliefs!

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  14. the quote about self-esteem. absolutely brilliant.
    this is such an inspirational post. really makes me think about helping myself feel better.

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    1. The quotes are the bomb. :)
      Thank you, nymisha, it's good that it helped!

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  15. Wow, I'm really impressed. These are good ideas—very deep, and a wonderful reminder that you have to be the hero (or heroine) in your own story, and not assume that someone else will pick up the pieces. Thanks, Jo!

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    1. Thanks! Absolutely, but it's also okay to need help from others. No problem and thanks for commenting. :)

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